Weekly Musings: Renditions of CCR; tea lounge laziness & jazz in Paris

I realize this says weekly and I'm posting it on a monday, but I was really sick the past few days so I wasn't in any condition to blog, but hopefully this will become a regular installment. I'm bringing this style of posting to my blog simply so I can learn to pick out the positives in my life and collect some inspiration and the like. I also stole it from the lovely Luinae!

My Local Tea Lounge: Words can't express how awesome this place is. The guy who runs it is British/German and is an absolute tea connoisseur, so I've gotten to try like 12 different kinds of new tea, all of which are fantastic. He's also a fascinating guy with so many stories to tell. It's so refreshing to have cultured conversations. He also happens to have fantastic taste in music and as given me a copy of  Moon Safari (the album) by Air.

My 50's/60's Concert: I was so pumped I got picked to do this; I chose to do "All My Loving" by the Beatles and the CCR version of "I Put A Spell On You". Getting to preform again... wow, I forgot how much I love it. And working with the house band of the theatre, ridiculous amounts of fun. There's also a strong possibility I'm going to get asked back to do another concert. Life is complete.

Little Things: Being kidnapped by friends late at night for spontaneous hanging out; New music (Jazz in Paris - Django Reinhardt/ Forgiveness Rock Record -  Broken Social Scene/ Jasmine - Keith Jarrett & Charlie Haden); Baking in the sun when we have it; Also: living in the only place where in the middle of July I went to bed with winter pajamas, 3 blankets and a hot water bottle; Puerh tea; new dresses; tumblr friends; Watching Doctor Who; dinner parties with much dancing and deep discussion; making new friends; cross-atlantic letters; vanilla yogurt.

Likable Links: * Billy Joel - And So It Goes - lovely song.
* A beautifully designed, revamped church.
* Everyone needs to read this now.
* Lovey inspiration for tomboy style

Care to share how your weeks been, darlings?

xoxo.
                                                          Rachel.

Pondering on Success (A Vaguely Personal Rant)

From the moment I realized math and sciences were not my strong point in school,  a small, constant worry started to form in my heart. Because, let's be honest about this, the world wants (and to a large extent) needs people who are educated in services like math and science and physics. But for me, that's not an option; I do not, I repeat do NOT understand math. Like at all. The way some people can simply sit down and understand and apply concepts in math leaves me breathless and usually close to tears of frustration. Same for physics and chemistry. I struggle with it. So, obviously careers in these areas are not an option for me. Here's where it starts to get shitty: the subjects I excel at, art, english, and french do not really translate well into careers, as most people know. Well, french maybe but, unlike math/science based careers where there are clear cut path people are just dying to have you take, the arts usually do not pay well unless you are exceptionally "good" by society's standards.
So, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. And that scares the shit out of me.

And, just to add, I'm also not a very good student. I'm a shameless procrastinator and I don't apply myself. There, I said it. Combined with the fact that I don't really have any "payable" skill sets, I feel kinda' screwed.

I do know what I want in life however, I want to be happy. I've realized that if happy means waking up to a job with insignificant pay but makes me want to get out of bed, then I will have achieved something for myself. I don't want to simply exist and lose my passion for life in the process. If I'm not that poor that I get to travel, then I will be happy. If I make solid friends that I will be able to hold onto for most of my life, I will be happy.  But I'll be honest, I'm afraid of the journey. Yes, I'm afraid of life, sad as that is to say.

My idea of success does not match that of my sibilings, my parents, my friends or my teachers. And I'm not really sure about, well I'll be honest, how my future will play out. I'm afraid of disappointing people, of the yelling and screaming that would likely come from that. I'm afraid I'll end up nowhere, and I'm afraid that I'll end up settling with a desk job watching the days roll by. That is definitely not the future I want. But, success has become more than happiness these days. It's become what kind of clothes you can afford to buy, how big your house is, the kind of university you can get into, the places you can travel to and the resorts you stay in. I mean, damn. Being happy has taken the back burner. I'd like to change that.  I finally want to stop giving a shit about what my parents, teachers and society want me to do and just do what I want to do with my own freakin' life.  Words cannot express how exhausted I am of feeling stupid because I don't understand the algebra given to me in math 1204.  Just because there is math/science dominated work force I feel like I'm drowning. The silent urge that's been pushing me on as soon as I entered highschool, because even I was starting to realize I wasn't that far from graduation and yet I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.

So, to paraphrase, I think I've finally figured it out. I'm going to have to experiment with life. I'm going to graduate and I will work wherever I can get a job, hopefully I will travel, I will get a degree and maybe I'll have an answer then, maybe I won't. So I will keep going until I have my answer. I have no straight answer and I'm fine with that now. I know somewhere along the line, I going to fail somebody's expectations for me, but I will just have to deal with that, because there is nothing more I can do. It's not their life. It's mine. Thank god for that.  

xoxox.
Rachel

Burning Bridges

In an effort to start something new in a month that has brought a lot of firsts for me, I'm starting a new blog. I let my other one fall into a sort of ruin, but I think it's because it wasn't fitting me anymore. I wasn't even really blogging about what I could blog about, more just blogged what I thought people would enjoy.

I've been pushed into a lot of situations recently, pushed into having feelings, thoughts and desires that I could have never imagined having before. Questioning the world, myself, and those who surround me has become a regular movement for me. My head feels empty, yet full at the same time. A contrast, a contradiction, a constant pull at my soul. I have this urge to say what I've usually repressed and damn the consequences. I want to push boundaries and drench myself in the reactions people throw at me. I'm tired of living up to the standard instead of setting it. I'm tired of shutting my mouth and letting others make decisions for me based on the twisted views of society. I'm tired of not fulfilling my potential because of my fear of how others will view me and because I am lazy. I'm tired of being afraid of failure, of love and everything else I have no answer to.

I'm resetting the standard of success. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but for once, I'm finally able to realize that though it won't lie in money (and naturally, the luxuries that come from earning such money) I will learn to be happy. My success will come from surrounding myself with fascinating people, who are brilliant conversationists.  From collecting well-worn books and reading them over and over, finding new knowledge every time. From learning to cook, and perfecting my guitar work. From writing and listening to music and screaming it loud. From not waking up in the morning and worriedly examining my reflection. For finding comfort within myself. Making a home in my mind, decorating it with positive thoughts, archives of memories and art and shedding light in dark corners where I used to refuse to look out of fear.

I want to destroy the preconceived notions people in my soul-sucking, small town have, and do it articulately, intelligently and with a timeless class.  I want to make more art and read more books and write more music and find a contentment in day-to-day existence. All because I can.

I will learn more guitar, I will finish my movie, I will write more short stories, and I will make a difference.

My potential so far has only been scratched on the surface. I'm finally ready to change that.

xoxox.
Rachel