Burning Bridges

In an effort to start something new in a month that has brought a lot of firsts for me, I'm starting a new blog. I let my other one fall into a sort of ruin, but I think it's because it wasn't fitting me anymore. I wasn't even really blogging about what I could blog about, more just blogged what I thought people would enjoy.

I've been pushed into a lot of situations recently, pushed into having feelings, thoughts and desires that I could have never imagined having before. Questioning the world, myself, and those who surround me has become a regular movement for me. My head feels empty, yet full at the same time. A contrast, a contradiction, a constant pull at my soul. I have this urge to say what I've usually repressed and damn the consequences. I want to push boundaries and drench myself in the reactions people throw at me. I'm tired of living up to the standard instead of setting it. I'm tired of shutting my mouth and letting others make decisions for me based on the twisted views of society. I'm tired of not fulfilling my potential because of my fear of how others will view me and because I am lazy. I'm tired of being afraid of failure, of love and everything else I have no answer to.

I'm resetting the standard of success. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but for once, I'm finally able to realize that though it won't lie in money (and naturally, the luxuries that come from earning such money) I will learn to be happy. My success will come from surrounding myself with fascinating people, who are brilliant conversationists.  From collecting well-worn books and reading them over and over, finding new knowledge every time. From learning to cook, and perfecting my guitar work. From writing and listening to music and screaming it loud. From not waking up in the morning and worriedly examining my reflection. For finding comfort within myself. Making a home in my mind, decorating it with positive thoughts, archives of memories and art and shedding light in dark corners where I used to refuse to look out of fear.

I want to destroy the preconceived notions people in my soul-sucking, small town have, and do it articulately, intelligently and with a timeless class.  I want to make more art and read more books and write more music and find a contentment in day-to-day existence. All because I can.

I will learn more guitar, I will finish my movie, I will write more short stories, and I will make a difference.

My potential so far has only been scratched on the surface. I'm finally ready to change that.

xoxox.
Rachel