Pondering on Success (A Vaguely Personal Rant)

From the moment I realized math and sciences were not my strong point in school,  a small, constant worry started to form in my heart. Because, let's be honest about this, the world wants (and to a large extent) needs people who are educated in services like math and science and physics. But for me, that's not an option; I do not, I repeat do NOT understand math. Like at all. The way some people can simply sit down and understand and apply concepts in math leaves me breathless and usually close to tears of frustration. Same for physics and chemistry. I struggle with it. So, obviously careers in these areas are not an option for me. Here's where it starts to get shitty: the subjects I excel at, art, english, and french do not really translate well into careers, as most people know. Well, french maybe but, unlike math/science based careers where there are clear cut path people are just dying to have you take, the arts usually do not pay well unless you are exceptionally "good" by society's standards.
So, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. And that scares the shit out of me.

And, just to add, I'm also not a very good student. I'm a shameless procrastinator and I don't apply myself. There, I said it. Combined with the fact that I don't really have any "payable" skill sets, I feel kinda' screwed.

I do know what I want in life however, I want to be happy. I've realized that if happy means waking up to a job with insignificant pay but makes me want to get out of bed, then I will have achieved something for myself. I don't want to simply exist and lose my passion for life in the process. If I'm not that poor that I get to travel, then I will be happy. If I make solid friends that I will be able to hold onto for most of my life, I will be happy.  But I'll be honest, I'm afraid of the journey. Yes, I'm afraid of life, sad as that is to say.

My idea of success does not match that of my sibilings, my parents, my friends or my teachers. And I'm not really sure about, well I'll be honest, how my future will play out. I'm afraid of disappointing people, of the yelling and screaming that would likely come from that. I'm afraid I'll end up nowhere, and I'm afraid that I'll end up settling with a desk job watching the days roll by. That is definitely not the future I want. But, success has become more than happiness these days. It's become what kind of clothes you can afford to buy, how big your house is, the kind of university you can get into, the places you can travel to and the resorts you stay in. I mean, damn. Being happy has taken the back burner. I'd like to change that.  I finally want to stop giving a shit about what my parents, teachers and society want me to do and just do what I want to do with my own freakin' life.  Words cannot express how exhausted I am of feeling stupid because I don't understand the algebra given to me in math 1204.  Just because there is math/science dominated work force I feel like I'm drowning. The silent urge that's been pushing me on as soon as I entered highschool, because even I was starting to realize I wasn't that far from graduation and yet I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.

So, to paraphrase, I think I've finally figured it out. I'm going to have to experiment with life. I'm going to graduate and I will work wherever I can get a job, hopefully I will travel, I will get a degree and maybe I'll have an answer then, maybe I won't. So I will keep going until I have my answer. I have no straight answer and I'm fine with that now. I know somewhere along the line, I going to fail somebody's expectations for me, but I will just have to deal with that, because there is nothing more I can do. It's not their life. It's mine. Thank god for that.  

xoxox.
Rachel